the hardest decision

Almost exactly 2 months ago on July 16th, I returned home from serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Carlsbad, California. I had come to terms of accepting my return home, but oh how I miss it still to this day. In fact, I ache inside I times because I returned home much earlier than anticipated. I had only been out for one month. My reasoning for coming home is very personal to me and have yet to share much with others. I did not feel emotionally or mentally adequate, I had depression and anxiety like I had never experienced before. On top of this, there was something inside of me saying that I was needed at home...someone needed me. Where the heck did I get that idea from? This must just be the adversary, right? Wrong. I prayed and prayed so many times to be able to resolve these feelings, but the feeling became more prominent to me. The feelings I had are literally indescribable and I already began to feel like a failure.
To this day I feel that I am inadequate and have let people down for the decision I made to return home. No one can truly understand this feeling until you have been through it first hand. That is definitely something that I came to realize quickly. I was heartbroken to come home, but it is what I needed to do. Why? I still don't have that fully answered. The feelings still haunt me some days. That is the single hardest decision I have ever made in my entire life. I miss the MTC, my companions, my districts, the ward and people I met, and so much more every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't reflect back on my mission. Even from the short time that I was out, I learned so much! I never thought it was possible to learn so much in such a short time! I made life long friends who are more like family.
One thing I hope people are able to understand is that no matter the place or length of a mission, it is still a full-time mission! The reasons for coming home are between you and the Lord and that is all that matters. Yes, it can be hard for multiple reasons, but it is life changing! I would never trade my experience and time as a missionary for anything. My reasons for coming home may be different from others, but I still worthily served the Lord on my mission and I put in everything I had to give. He knows of my hearts intents and what is best for me. He has a plan for me bigger than I have for myself and sometimes I can't see the bigger picture like He can, but I have faith in Him and His power to lead and guide me on this earthly journey. Just because I came home or someone else came home early from their mission for whatever reason does not mean that they are a failure, are inadequate, or are unworthy. They had the chance to serve a mission and they did; that is more than a lot of other people get.
The best thing to do for early returned missionaries is to love and support them. Ask them what they liked about their mission, what they learned, how they are doing. Don't avoid them, it doesn't help anyone, let's be honest. I LOVE talking about my mission experiences! I LOVE my mission! It was personal to me and I got to serve the Lord and His children.
I am a returned full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I wouldn't trade it for the world!
Romans 1:16 "For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvations to every one that believeth"

the experience of a lifetime

The opportunity I had to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the best experience of my life. Nothing can compare to the things that I learned, the people I met, the things that I got to do.

I arrived at the Provo Missionary Training Center on June 15th, 2016. On that day I met my Ohana, that's what we call each other now. My MTC district became my best friends, my family. There were 10 of us in district 45A, and we were a very diverse group who instantly clicked. Elder Wood, from Canada, was our district leader, then there was Elder Greathouse from Alaska, Elder Kimball from Georgia, Elder Carvalho from Hawaii, Elder Snyder from Pensylvania, Elder Silva from Washington, Sister Neisporek and Sister Brockhausen from Texas, Sister Laing from Utah, and me, Sister Alvari, from Idaho. We spent every day together for three weeks. We shared so many inside jokes, funny stories, and spiritual moments.

July 5th came around and we were off to the field, the Elders to Orem, Utah and the Sisters to Carlsbad, California. Goodbyes are always hard, especially when they are the only people you know. Us Sisters spent the day traveling to California. That same day we got our companion and went off to our area. My companion/trainer/mom was Sister Skabelund from Oregon. She was still a "greenie" (only been out for 6 weeks) and was already training! I couldn't have asked for a better trainer, she was so patient with me and loving.

Only a few days had passed when I became very emotional and overwhelmed with feelings I couldn't put to words. I spent time in prayer begging for direction and help to overcome what I was feeling. I can't explain the way I felt, all I can say was that something wasn't right. I was loving California, the weather, the people, my companion, but something was pulling me away. After getting a blessing from the Zone Leaders and the Mission President, meeting with the Mission President and his wife a few times, and much praying, I made the decision that returning home is what I needed to do.

That was the hardest decision to make, especially when I felt like I was letting everyone down and people would judge me for my choice. However, I will never forget the things that I learned from my mission. Every day is a struggle with the possibility of feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, uncertainty, and so much more. There are so many people who care about how I am doing, what they can do to help, etc. But what people don't understand is how early returned missionaries feel or what they can say to help. I wish I could say to just give it time and it will blow over, but that is not the case. This is a moment in time that will always be reflected on, an experience of a lifetime that many don't have the opportunity to partake in...

"Service is service no matter how long or short."

the why

I've always loved writing. I've always wanted to have a blog. But I never knew what to write about. I've tried a few different things but nothing ever kept my interest. However, I think I have finally found something that I am passionate about and could write about forever! That would be my own life. This is going to be a very personal blog, more like a digital journal that it exposed to the whole world. In turn, I ask that only positive comments be given. In writing these things, I hope that maybe I can help others who are in similar situations that I have been in.
"Let our hearts and hands be stretched out in compassion toward others, for everyone is walking his or her own difficult path." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf