Almost exactly 2 months ago on July 16th, I returned home from serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Carlsbad, California. I had come to terms of accepting my return home, but oh how I miss it still to this day. In fact, I ache inside I times because I returned home much earlier than anticipated. I had only been out for one month. My reasoning for coming home is very personal to me and have yet to share much with others. I did not feel emotionally or mentally adequate, I had depression and anxiety like I had never experienced before. On top of this, there was something inside of me saying that I was needed at home...someone needed me. Where the heck did I get that idea from? This must just be the adversary, right? Wrong. I prayed and prayed so many times to be able to resolve these feelings, but the feeling became more prominent to me. The feelings I had are literally indescribable and I already began to feel like a failure.
To this day I feel that I am inadequate and have let people down for the decision I made to return home. No one can truly understand this feeling until you have been through it first hand. That is definitely something that I came to realize quickly. I was heartbroken to come home, but it is what I needed to do. Why? I still don't have that fully answered. The feelings still haunt me some days. That is the single hardest decision I have ever made in my entire life. I miss the MTC, my companions, my districts, the ward and people I met, and so much more every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't reflect back on my mission. Even from the short time that I was out, I learned so much! I never thought it was possible to learn so much in such a short time! I made life long friends who are more like family.
One thing I hope people are able to understand is that no matter the place or length of a mission, it is still a full-time mission! The reasons for coming home are between you and the Lord and that is all that matters. Yes, it can be hard for multiple reasons, but it is life changing! I would never trade my experience and time as a missionary for anything. My reasons for coming home may be different from others, but I still worthily served the Lord on my mission and I put in everything I had to give. He knows of my hearts intents and what is best for me. He has a plan for me bigger than I have for myself and sometimes I can't see the bigger picture like He can, but I have faith in Him and His power to lead and guide me on this earthly journey. Just because I came home or someone else came home early from their mission for whatever reason does not mean that they are a failure, are inadequate, or are unworthy. They had the chance to serve a mission and they did; that is more than a lot of other people get.
The best thing to do for early returned missionaries is to love and support them. Ask them what they liked about their mission, what they learned, how they are doing. Don't avoid them, it doesn't help anyone, let's be honest. I LOVE talking about my mission experiences! I LOVE my mission! It was personal to me and I got to serve the Lord and His children.
I am a returned full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I wouldn't trade it for the world!
Romans 1:16 "For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvations to every one that believeth"
